Melissa Keller

The best job in the world is one where you get to touch naked chicks without having to pay them first. In fact, they’d pay YOU to do it. For a long time, I thought this was merely a passing fantasy, something men daydream about while staring at pie charts and graphs. But, It seems such a job does exist and it’s called a Sports Illustrated swimsuit makeup artist. The only catch is you have to pretend you’re gay.

In the Paint: The Complete Body-Painting Collection from the SI Swimsuit Issue,” author Rick Reilly relates that during one session, an artist named Richard, who applies makeup to breasts and butts, worked on 19-year-old hottie Melissa Keller. She coyly asked him, “Uh, maybe this is a little late to ask, but you’re gay, right?” As Reilly tells it: “Richard’s eyebrows slide up his face and he squeals, ‘Oh, please, girl! My boyfriend is going to be p – – – – d’ [because he’s touching a woman]. Later I’ll say [to Richard], ‘You’re not gay, right?’ He shrugs and whispers, ‘Nah, I’m straight. But from here on in it’s gay all day, OK?’ “

If I got to paint Heidi Klum’s tits, I’d be so happy I’d pretend to be flaming gay. Granted, I wouldn’t know what I would be doing so Heidi would end up with two handprints on her breasts, but I’d just tell her this is how gay people kid around. Also, gay people greet SI swimsuit models with french kisses. It’s tradition, baby.