Courntey Love

Courtney Love is said to be suicidal after discovering the ashes of her late husband, who she piggybacked to fame, were stolen. The haggard spectacle kept the ashes in a “pink teddy-bear-shaped bag along with a lock of his hair.”

But a couple of weeks ago, she was horrified to discover them gone, along with thousands of pounds worth of clothes and jewelery.

Courtney said: “I can’t believe anyone would take Kurt’s ashes from me. I find it disgusting and right now I’m suicidal. If I don’t get them back I don’t know what I’ll do.”

Police have obtained a description of the suspect and have put out an APB for a man with long, greasy hair wearing a flannel sweater tied around his waist, torn jeans and boots. They may have a surly demeanor and may relentlessly try to convince you that grunge is not dead. Contrary to the fact that it totally is.

Still, being the concerned citizen that I am, I searched eBay for “Kurt Cobain’s ashes.” Zero results. Looks like Courtney is SOL. Oh, well. Nice knowing you, I guess.