Carrie Underwood

The National Enquirer reports that goofy looking Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps and American Idol contestant, Carrie Underwood, have planned their first date after days of texting. No details on where they plan to go, but it will probably be a non-eating affair.

“I’m not so sure you’d want to see me eat! It might not make a great first impression.”

“Carrie needs someone who is going to stick by her,” a skeptical pal of Carrie’s revealed to the National Enquirer. “She was devastated when her relationship with Tony Romo broke. The last thing she needs is a relationship with another high-profile celebrity who’s going to end up loving and leaving her.”

Yea, yea. Carrie’s “feelings”. Whatever. More importantly, did you know Michael Phelps eats 12,000 calories a day while training? His breakfast consists of:

— three fried egg sandwiches with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions, and mayo
— one five-egg omelets
— a bowl of grits
— three slices of French toast with powdered sugar
— three chocolate chip pancakes
— two cups of coffee

For lunch, Phelps drinks 1,000 calories worth of energy drinks, one pound of pasta with tomato sauce and two large ham and cheese sandwiches (with mayo) on white bread.

For dinner, Phelps’ meal consists of six to eight slices of pizza, another pound of pasta with tomato sauce, and 1,000 calories of energy drinks.

This is otherwise known as the “Britney Spears Diet.” Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.