Madonna is really 36

If you were going to get Madonna a card congratulating her on her 50th birthday tomorrow, I suggest you go ahead and do it. It would really piss her off. The Mirror says She-Hulk has banned any mention of the number 50 at her party, instead, insisting everyone say she’s 36. Why 36? Because members of a zany religion say so.

Well, using ancient techniques known only to a select few, the high priests of Kabbalah have calculated her spiritual age by channelling the energy of the poptastic one. And it’s, um, 36.

Guests at her country pile are under strict instructions not to give any cards, cakes or presents bearing the number 50 or face the wrath of the muscle-bound Material Girl.

These ancient techniques they speak of probably involve Madonna putting them in a headlock and giving them noogies until they ripped a fair amount of pages out of their sacred calendar. “Oh, look. You’re right. It IS 1984. Please let go. I can’t breathe.”