Helen Mirren

63-year-old Oscar winning actress Helen Mirren, in addition to shoplifting for food, used to love snorting coke every once in a while when she was young. That is until she discovered her habit was indirectly lining the pockets of Nazi war criminal Klaus Barbie, the butcher of Lyon.

“I loved coke. I never did a lot, just a little bit at parties,” Mirren was quoted as telling the magazine in an interview, which was made available to the media Monday. “But what ended it for me was when they caught (Nazi war criminal) Klaus Barbie, the Butcher of Lyon, in the early 80s. He was hiding in South America and living off the proceeds of being a cocaine baron.

“And I read that in the paper, and all the cards fell into place, and I saw how my little sniff of cocaine at a party had an absolute direct route to this … horrible man in South America,” she was quoted as saying.

Helen didn’t care about the damage to her lungs or nasal cavities and the possible heart attacks, strokes or convulsions. No, she cared about Klaus Barbie profiting from it. We’re a lot alike, Helen and I. Every time I buy weed from my dealer, I ask him if it’s been harvested off the backs of slaves (blood weed?). He always shakes his head, waves his pistol at me and tells me to check myself. Such a nice man. Always concerned about whether my fly is down or not. But why is he always looking there? It’s a bit unseemly.