It’s no wonder why Guy Ritichie and Madonna’s marriage didn’t work out. Guy was a famous director who helmed such films as Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch. Madonna is a unbearable attention whore who ruined whatever credibility Guy had with Swept Away. Besides that, she’s also a controlling ass who drew up a marriage contract to control guy’s life. At least according to The Sun.

The document detailed how many dates the couple should go on and how often they should have sex.

It stated that Guy had to “work to enrich his wife’s emotional and spiritual wellbeing” and ordered him to devote several hours a week to reading Kabbalah texts with Madge.

It even had instructions on what words Guy should use during rows “to resolve conflicts in a constructive way”.

Sources said Madonna pinned the contract up in their New York home after they saw marriage counsellors two years ago, and would say to her husband, “Contract, Guy, contract” if he broke the rules.

If I was Guy and She-Man was trying to have sex with me, I’d create a distraction by throwing a tub of whey protein at her and GTFO while she was busy cradling it in her arms. I’d be gone so fast you’d just see a smoke outline of me like in those cartoons.