Madonna and Guy Ritchie are really divorcing

After eight years of marriage and many months of denials, The Sun reports that Madonna and Guy are finally divorcing. An official statement will be released soon. The divorce is planned to take place in the next two weeks. Definitely before Christmas. Initially, Madonna wanted to wait until she finished her “Stick and Sweet” tour but they couldn’t keep up the charade any longer.

“He is sick of his career taking a backseat to hers and was determined to spend as long as he had to promoting RocknRolla here, even if it meant being away from Madonna rehearsing in the US.”

They went on: “When Madonna first moved to the UK, she loved the idea of becoming an English rose. But slowly it turned sour. She decided she hated hunting and quickly dropped her ‘hobby’ of going for a pint of bitter with Guy in the local pub.

“She doesn’t have many friends here and as she has turned 50 she has become very philosophical and started wondering what it’s all about.”

Another reason for the split is that Madonna wanted to adopt another baby. Sort of like Angelina Jolie. As you can see, Madonna has tried to be something she’s not her whole life. An English rose, Angelina Jolie, an actor, a director, sexy, talented. It’s best if she stuck with what she knows. Like, ripping phone books in half, bending frying pans, breaking twenty blocks of ice stacked on top of each other and hiding her penis.

Also, if you’re wondering what that photo up top is, it’s Madonna’s new mustache. Doesn’t it make her look sophisticated?