Paris and Benji Are Just on a Break

Paris Hilton phoned into Ryan Seacrest and spewed some garbage about how she and Benji are on a break. She said “he is an incredible person” and hinted that there’s a possibility they may get back together and blah blah blah. I’m amazed at how little I care about this. I’d rather smash watermelons with my head than listen to Paris talk about her life. I think from now on, whenever Paris opens her mouth, it should be legal to stuff a sweaty sock or, like, an angry, diseased kitten in there. Whichever one is more easily accessible.