Paris Hilton is escorted

Paris Hilton isn’t one to sit idly by while some stranger rubs her antique jewelery all over their genitals. She put on her pink and plaid detective hat, filled her bubble pipe and watched the surveillance tapes from her home invasion last week. Paris concluded that this was no stranger who robbed her. It could have even been an inside job. She told E! News:

“I think whoever did this, definitely has been there before,” the ripped-off heiress told E! News Monday while perusing the racks at the L.A. boutique Intuition. “We have some suspects that I’m thinking of.”

Paris remains hopeful and even elaborated on what was stolen:

The items taken include “jewelry, watches, every ring I own,” Hilton said. “All my necklaces, jewelry that my grandmothers gave me that I’ll never be able to replace.

“You know, it’s just an invasion of privacy, and it’s happened to me before. It’s really scary but they’re doing a huge investigation on this, and we’re going to catch this person.”

Paris then put into action plan B (not the morning after pill this time): Scare them into returning the $2 million in jewelery.

“I would tell them to please return my things, because I know they’re probably watching E! News right now, to return everything and that’s it,” she told us.

“They just have to anonymously have a taxi drop it off in my front gate in a box with my jewelry and everything. They won’t get in trouble. But if all this goes on for much longer, they’re going to get in more trouble.”

Right. Anonymous. Everyone knows there’s going to be a tactical SWAT team waiting there for him because Hollywood looks out for their celebrities. The only thing this guy is going to drop off anonymously is a dead fish in her heating ducts. Paris has a better chance at keeping her legs closed for a month than getting her stuff back.