Charles Barkley mugshot

Charles Barkley’s blood alcohol test came back and it says he was DUI positive. He’s terminal. Terminally retarded.

Arizona police say Barkley was driving with a BAC of .149, almost twice the legal limit, when he was pulled over. As it turns out, driving drunk and running a stop sign because you were in a hurry to get the best head you’d ever had from your passenger isn’t a valid excuse because the former NBA star is due in court January 20.

The severity of his punishment will be based on how hot the girl is. If the girl gives the judge an erection, Barkley will do community service. If the judge goes “woof,” Barkley will spend 5 hours in jail. At least, that’s how the justice system works in my head.