I have no idea if Megan Fox won anything at the Golden Globes — my guess is no — but she showed up anyway. I tried reasoning with security guards that because of that, I should be let in as well. It didn’t work. Apparently, I don’t “have an ass you can bounce a quarter off of.” I, however, strongly disagreed. I told them you could probably even bounce as much as a half-dollar off of my ass. Then I licked my fingers, poked my butt and made a sizzling sound.