Samanatha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan’s relationship will probably never work out. Partly because Lindsay isn’t really a lesbian and partly because Lindsay can be a bitch. Therefore, it’s not surprising that these two rang in the New Year with screaming and fisticuffs. Page Six reports:

Trouble started Tuesday night as the two partied at Set in Miami. “Both their families were there, and Lindsay and Sam just started going at it,” our spy said.

Then, on New Year’s Eve, the couple went nuclear and started screaming at each other while hosting a party at Mansion. The fight spilled out into an alley behind the club, where Lohan screeched at Ronson, “When I storm off, you are supposed to follow me!”

Our spy said, “It was a really gross alley. There was a bum eating a sandwich watching the whole thing. Lindsay was really unstable and flipping out.”

After Lohan and Ronson went back to the hotel, several sources heard crashing sounds and screaming coming from their room until the fight spilled out into the hallways at about 11 a.m.

“They were punching each other – it was bad,” a spy said. “And they were doing this in front of all of us. It was scary.”

At one point, Lohan dropped to her knees and cried, “Why are you doing this to me?” And Sam just said, “I don’t know you.”

Eventually hotel security was called and photos were taken of the girls’ “trashed” room. “Mirrors were broken and it was a complete mess,” another spy said.

Describing an alley as “gross” because there’s a bum eating a sandwich aside, this account is really disappointing. Page Six really turned this potentially sexy story into an un-sexy story. Where’s the part about the make-up sex and Sam sneaking down to the concierge to ask where she could get a bowling pin at 3 in the morning? This is like 30 minutes of foreplay followed by your date abruptly leaving because you ran out of money to pay for the other 30 minutes.