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Chris Brown was charged with making criminal threats rather than domestic abuse because suspects are usually charged with the most serious crime. Later on, the D.A. decides to file additional charges. TMZ explains:

Given there were allegedly visible injuries, the crime of making criminal threats is punishable by up to nine years in prison. Domestic abuse is four years.

Meanwhile, TMZ recanted its statement that Chris Brown used a weapon during the assault on Rihanna. At first, they discovered the police report cited Penal Code Section 245 which meant assault with a deadly weapon, but they confirmed that no weapon was involved. Unless of course, like me, Chris Brown’s hands are considered deadly weapons. Ki-ya!

Ironically, there does seem to be evidence of an umbrella being in the car which should lend its way to an endless amount of umbrella-ella-ella jokes. Ugh.

One reputable law enforcement source said Rihanna had contusions and bite marks. Wait, bite marks? Is Chris Brown 12? Did he drop an ice cream sandwich on her? Because that’s the only time you’re ever allowed to bite a girl. Except if you have a safe word. Mine is banana. You can hear me shouting it whenever I see Tara Reid in a bikini.