As far as commencement speeches go, this isn’t bad. Much better than my high school one where I was told sex and drugs were the devil’s tools used to coax you to hell.

  • Bossip: Michael Vick was just released to serve 2 months of house arrest
  • Drunken Stepfather: Lady GaGa’s uterus mirror
  • Popeater: Sarah Jessica Parker is outraged, outraged I tells ya
  • Asylum: Animal trophies for the ethical hunter
  • The Superficial: Brad Pitt really loves that ascot
  • PopSugar: Shia takes a break from running his mouth
  • Popoholic: Ana Beatriz Barros in lingerie
  • Dlisted: Wino still doing her thing in St. Lucia
  • CoEd: Steelers linebacker tells Obama to f-off
  • Celebitchy: Simon Cowell’s ex Terri Seymour attacked and choked by woman
  • Hollywood Tuna: Jennifer Love Hewitt’s boots were made for, um, walking?
  • FHM: 5 mighty fine movie cat fights
  • IDLYITW: Britney Spears is a natural beauty
  • AB: Robert Pattinson’s unwashed masses
  • Just Jared: Carrie Prejean’s mother is gay?
  • Celebwarship: Tila Tequila is knoced up
  • Holy Taco: The Ikea instruction manual for hiding your girlfriend’s dog you accidentally killed