Nadya Suleman @ The Park

Most likely due to government sanctions, Octomom Nadya Suleman is having half her uterus removed making her effectively barren. The cover story doctors are using is that they found “benign fibroids growing in her uterus” which they told her may be pre-cancerous cells. Yes, pre-cancerous cells. That’s a good one. Wink wink. Thank you, doctors. America owes you a huge debt of gratitude.

“I’m terrified,” she said. “I’m really, really, really nervous. And I have to do a will. I have to get a will done just in case.”

Should anything fatal happen during surgery, an unnamed “Christian couple” will raise her 14 kids. She’ll spend about a week recovering after which she may resume being a burden on taxpayers.