I was beginning to think Jessica Alba gave up bikinis when she popped a kid out. I’ve spent every day for the past few months cursing that dumb bitch (her kid) for being born. Turns out my anger may have been misguided since Jessica showed up at Malibu beach over the weekend in one of those bikini things with Cash Warren. Why is she still with that monkey man anyway? I know I just insulted her kid and all, but if she can look past that, I think we’d be great together.