According to People, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr welcomed their first child on Saturday. They decided to go exotic by naming her Charlotte Grace. I learned exclusively that upon Charlotte’s arrival, Freddie Prinze abandoned both her and Sarah Michelle in favor of living a life of crime. I’m told he spent the past nine months preparing for his new life by growing a beard and shooting at tin cans from 50 feet away with a toy gun.

I’m lying. I was hoping to spice up this story, but even imaginary stories of Sarah Michelle and Freddie Prinze are boring. If they had a wonder twin power, it would be to take form of the most boring people in the world. Except they wouldn’t need to take form of those people as they already are them. See, even their super power is boring.

People continues that the couple is “over the moon” and “Sarah Michelle recently changed her last name from Gellar to Prinze.”

And with that, the Prinzes continue to drain any ounce of enjoyment from my life.