Jessica Simpson is upset to hear Tony Romo has sacked another blonde. Get it? Sacked. I’m athletic and such. I don’t write about the intimate details of a celebrity’s life from my parent’s basement at all. I’m out living the athletic dream with sports stats and kangol hats.

Us Magazine reports Tony Romo is currently doing Chace Crawford’s little sister, Candice, who is also known as Miss Missouri 2008. Jessica has every right to be upset as she was formerly known as Miss Stuff-Myself-Into-Mom-Pants-After-Deep-Fried-Snickers-Binges of 2008. Sadly, her crown has been taken by Mischa Barton for 2009.

To add insult to injury, Us Magazine politely words that Tony and Candice’s genitals are just canoodling.

“They’re not officially dating, but they are having an intimate relationship.”

Jessica couldn’t bear the thought of Tony with another woman. That is, until visions of melted chocolate ice cream sandwich crumbs smeared over the crevices of her cellulite with spilled twinkie cream filling covering her naturally Restalyne-filled lips entered her mind. When asked for comment of Tony’s newest relationship, she simply replied “foondduuueeee”.