Last night on the Late Show, David Letterman stunned everyone when seemingly out of nowhere, he admitted to having affairs with some of his staff members. Letterman explained that three weeks ago, he was in his car when he noticed a package on his seat. Opening it up, he found a letter from someone claiming they knew Letterman had creepy secrets and would expose them in the form of a book and screenplay unless they were paid $2 million.

Letterman called the DA in Manhattan who investigated the treats. The DA gave the man a fake $2 million check. The extortionist, Robert Halderman, 51, an employee of 48 Hours, was dumb enough to accept the check and get caught.

On Thursday, Letterman had to testify before a grand jury. “My response to that is, yes I have,” Letterman said. “Would it be embarrassing if it were made public? Perhaps it would. I feel like I need to protect these people. I need to certainly protect my family.”

Letterman has been dating Regina Lasko since 1986. They had a son in 2003 and married in Montana on March 19, 2009.

The moral of this story is that when a guy tries to blackmail you for $2 million, set up a meeting with him and then wave your hands in the air and say, “No hablo ingles.” This will buy you enough time to punch them in the throat and steal whatever proof they have. Or you could call the District Attorney’s office. You know, if you want to be a wuss about it.