Esquire named Kate Beckinsale the Sexiest Woman Alive. I had doubts at first and was going to ask Esquire, “What about Megan Fox, Jessica Alba or me with lipstick? Didn’t you consider them?” Then I saw the video and forgot what I was going to ask. Then I started drooling and air grabbing at her breasts. Then things got real awkward because my blinds were open and my 40-year-old neighbor was changing across from me. Now I have to move. Again.