What was miraculously left of Jon Gosselin’s balls have finally disintegrated into ash and dust after being lit on fire and beaten with an electrical cord by Hailey Glassman. In an interview with Entertainment Tonight, Jon and his maybe-girlfriend, Hailey, revealed Jon would be spending Thanksgiving with her and her family instead of with Kate and his kids. Hilarity ensued thereafter.
Hailey explained her family “would never let him eat Thanksgiving dinner alone in an apartment.” Jon claimed he never planned otherwise, “I still planned on going to her house on Thanksgiving; that was on my schedule.”
Upon hearing that she and her family were on Jon’s schedule, Hailey had what she might’ve called a womantram. If she were stupid. Which she is.
“On your schedule? What do you mean, ‘On my schedule? Let’s see, Kate has the kids, and she’s having a nice huge meal with Steve and his family. Uh, let’s see, should I go to Hailey’s or should I sit in my apartment all alone?”
“Sorry, I used the wrong term,” says Jon. “I plan on going — I made a promise to her family I would go to her house.”
“Made a promise? You’re not doing my family any favors!” replies Hailey.
Aaaand scene. Jon is certainly attracted to one type of woman: rough in the face and on his balls. During this interview, I made a pie chart of the possibility of Jon’s balls ever regenerating to their natural form. Unfortunately for you, I grew distracted by the thought of pie. Fortunately for me, I love pie.