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Almost 65-year-old Helen Mirren posed topless for New York Magazine to promote her new film Love Ranch or maybe just to be naked. Even though this is supposed to be artsy, I’m still disturbed. She looks like she was forced to pose for this by the employees at her retirement home.

In another of her earliest interviews, Mirren was quoted as saying, “I’m a would-be rebel—the good girl who’d like to be a bad one.” She says she continues, at heart, to be the good Catholic schoolgirl named Ilyena Vasilievna Mironov, who grew up in Essex, England, with a Russian father and an English mother. “It’s true! I haven’t grown out of that, have I?” she says, laughing. “I’m still the good girl who wants to be a bad girl. But I’ll never make it as a bad girl … I’m not a prude or a moralist and I never have been, but I’m too fearful, too much of a wimp, really.” When her husband tried to convince her to spend a night at the Mustang Ranch, Mirren refused. “I said, ‘Read my lips: I’m not going to spend a night in a brothel.’?” In the end, she dispensed with research and simply took direction. “It’s amazing how quickly you get into dildos everywhere and pink-feather handcuffs. Within an hour you’re completely used to it.”

Staring at a naked 65-year-old and reading about her and dildos is not how I want to spend my Tuesdays. Mostly because it’s way too sexy and the erection it has caused is much too painful. NSFW photo in the gallery. Ugh, so shriveled.