Taylor Swift’s new album might as well be a musical black book because every song is either about some guy she dumped or a guy who dumped her. First there was a song apologizing to Taylor Lautner and now there’s a song called Dear John pretty much confirming John Mayer hit it and quit it in 2009 when they collaborated on a track from John’s last album, Half of My Heart. Taylor squinted into the mic and sang:
I see it all now that you’re gone
Don’t you think I was too young
To be messed with
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home
I should’ve known.
It was wrong
Don’t you think nineteen’s too young
To be played
By your dark, twisted games
When I loved you so.
My mother accused me of losing my mind
But I swore I was fine
You’ll add my name to your long list of traitors
Who don’t understand
And I’ll look back in regret
I ignored what they said ‘Run as fast as you can.”
2009 was last year, right? I just wanted to make sure we didn’t time travel to 1999, a time when people didn’t know John Mayer was a douchebag. This was her own damn fault. John probably strummed his guitar for her and Taylor got all giggly and then they did it and then the next time they met, Taylor went in for the hug and John went in for the handshake and then she ran home crying. Aw dammit, I think I just wrote her next single.