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The other day, Charlie Sheen chose Mila Kunis as his next goddess. During a stop in Columbus on his Torpedo of Truth tour, Sheen said about  Mila, “Here’s the good news. My goddesses have already f**king approved her. She’s pre-approved.” Well, that does sound like good news!

Sheen laid out a plan to stalk her Facebook page, determine her ‘Likes’ and buy every one of them. He wouldn’t even care if Mila stole anything from him. “I would have great tolerance for many missing items provided it involves Mila f**king Kunis,” Sheen said. “If Mila Kunis is stealing your s**t , trust me, you’re still f**king winning, you’re still winning at that moment.”

To everyone’s surprise, Mila Kunis turned that offer down. Friends of Kunis said, “Obviously Charlie wanted to name someone who would create publicity for his tour, but the thought of it grosses Mila out.” Which is odd. Who wouldn’t want to date a psychopath prone to violent fits of rage? Charlie sounds exciting. Like a Tasmanian devil on cocaine. As opposed to that Macaulay Culkin she used to date who sounded boring. Like a guy who wouldn’t threaten to kill her with a knife because she forgot the ham in his sandwich.