Today’s News Brought to You by R. Kelly Telling You to Shut Up

Kris Humphries is threatening to expose Kim Kardashians’ fake padded ass. No, really. He says Kim uses pads for her ass. [Celebitchy]
Katy Perry won’t mind popping kid after kid if it doesn’t hurt the first time. Perennially fat Katy Perry? Do not want. [IDLYITW]
Kim Kardashian and Kris Jenner cried over Kim’s sex tape release. Were they tears of joy from knowing how popular Kim was about to get? [Yeeeah]
Goldie Hawn got wasted the other night but at least she didn’t pee her pants like Liam Neeson. [Celebslam]
Not only is Amber Heard hot but she drives a pretty cool car. (Site NSFW) [Drunken Stepfather]
Jay-Z releases a line of Occupy Wall Street t-shirts and there are no plans at this time to donate proceeds. [Celebs]
Cee Lo Green tries his lyric schtick at Anyway. [Evil Beet]
Kelly Brook went out last night. That is all. [MoeJackson]
Nick Lachey takes shirtless bike rides with a bikini-clad Vanessa Minnillo. [PopSugar]
Rihanna has another single. How many does she need? [TDW]