Paris Hilton’s New Single Is Amazing

Paris Hilton just released her new techno single called “Drunk Text.” And because everyone including Paris knows she can’t sing, she opts to do a spoken word techno. That’s right. Spoke. Word. Leave it to Paris to find a way to make techno 100x worse.

“Lyrics” include, “My mouth kept pouring desperate clauses of random intent” and “You take the word ‘sex’ and mix it with ‘texting.’ It’s called ‘sexting.’ But when you add ‘drunk sexting,’ the words just don’t make sense.’ ” Rihanna, Katy Perry and Adele should retire right now. There’s no competing with this lyrical genius.

If you want to play a fun game, see how many minutes you last before you want to shoot yourself in the head.

Sorry for the pre-roll, but I couldn’t find another place that had it.