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According to reports, someone broke into the home of our new national treasure, Honey Boo Boo. I don’t know her real name so that’s just what I call her now. Anyway, the police say they’re treating it as a burglary despite no signs of forced entry and nothing being taken. The thief probably set only one foot in the door before he was eye-raped by the place and left in fear he already caught some hillbilly disease. Like gout.

Nevertheless, to protect America’s most important gem, a security detail has been assigned to them by the local PD. The officer assigned to protect the family found the kitchen door ajar but no intruders inside the home. Family member Shannon said she knew something was wrong when she saw the kitchen cabinets were open.

Dollars to delicious bacon donuts, it wasn’t a burglar. It was their fiercest foe. The raccoon. And not even the raccoon wanted to steal anything. It just left disgusted.

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