Kristi Horn told InTouch four years ago that she and Michael Lohan had an affair and Michael ended up putting a baby in her. Kristi said she knew it was Michael’s because a few weeks into the pregnancy, a pentagram made of cocaine appeared on her belly.
Anyway, Michael submitted to a DNA test and for some reason it took four years and an appearance on tonight’s The Trish Goddard Show to finally prove once and for all that Kristi’s daughter, Ashley Kaufmann, is half a Lohan. That must have been depressing news for Ashley. Actually, it must have been depressing for everyone because when the results were read, Kristi started crying and Michael sat there thinking, “Fuuuuu*k, another child support payment.” Then when Michael went to give his now confirmed daughter a hug, she was having none of it, pushing him away and waving him off. Which is kind of what his other daughters already do to him anyway so he should be pretty used to it by now.