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You’re probably wondering why no guy will ever stay with Taylor Swift. Wait, you’re not? Oh, uh, well, I’m going to tell you anyway. It’s because she’s become so worried about what everyone thinks of her that she’s turned “asexual.” Says a friend close to Swift, “Taylor is so concerned that the public will think she’s a wh*re because she dates around, that she doesn’t put out. What she doesn’t get is that the guys keep dumping her because she’s being a prude.” You see, it’s a vicious sexless circle.

Not that Taylor is completely chaste in her relationships. Rather, “Taylor didn’t want to put out as often as he would’ve liked. Harry is a young boy, with ladies throwing themselves at him and has had a string of relationships with older women. It’s no secret he’s sexually active and is enjoying his fame at the moment. But Taylor just wasn’t up for it as much as he is. They were sexually incompatible.”

Taylor feels a “clean and wholesome reputation is super important.” But it’s not just that. There’s also the fact that Taylor Swift is a 60-year-old Southern girl trapped in a 20-year-old’s body. “Harry wants to go out to fancy bars and clubs and enjoy being young – but Taylor’s more of a homebody and all she would talk about was antiques!”

In Taylor’s defense… No, there’s nothing I can say that would be in her defense. Antiques are boring. So is being a prude. She’s like a Dear Abby column come to life.