Hugh Hefner is 86-years-old and just married 26-year-old Crystal Harris so now is the perfect time to have another kid. It would be his fifth. Also, the timing would be pretty perfect. By the time the kid is 13 and hitting that moody teenage phase as a result of their raging hormones brought on by puberty, he’ll be dead.

“Crystal’s desperate to have Hugh’s baby. She thinks it would be the most beautiful way imaginable to show him how much she really loves him. Hef is insisting he’s still man enough for the job, telling family and friends at the wedding he’s still up for it. He wants to show the world that age shouldn’t stop you doing anything.”

First things first. How is Hugh going to impregnate anyone when all he can do is ejaculate a puff of musty air?