Sam Jackson Promises to Read the Most Popular 300 Word Monologue

Samuel Jackson went on Reddit today promising to read the most upvoted 300 word monologue.

It’s simple, write 300 words and the most upvoted post I’ll read out loud in monologue form.

I’m doing this for one of my favorite non-profits, Alzheimer’s Society, as my family have been unfortunate enough to have been affected by the disease.

As a BONUS, I’m offering you all the chance to be flown to the UK for lunch with ME in return for just a tiny donation to this amazing cause. I’ll also sign a beloved Kangol hat and mail it to anyone that donates $200 or more!

Check it out at: www.prizeo.com/samuel

Let’s go muthaphukkas give me something interesting to say!!!!

When Samuel L. Jackson gives you the opportunity to put words in his mouth, you’re going to take it. Hence, all these submissions.

One of the monologues showing up multiple times is the Navy Seal copypasta aka the internet tough guy monologue.

What the f**k did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the f**k out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that s**t to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little s**t. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will s**t fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

Then there’s this poem by Rudyard Kipling.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build’em up with worn-out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

And on a less serious note, a message you can use for your morning alarm.

Good morning, sunshine. It’s time to get up now. Another bright and beautiful day is out there, just waiting for you to go out and- stop. Do not hit that snooze button. Do not hit that god damned snooze button. You think anything great in this world ever got done by a lazy motherfucker who never even tried? You think it’s supposed to come easy? You think I’ve had it easy? Get your ass up. Get. Your ass. Up. Right now.

Beautiful things can be done in a day, god damn it. Tell someone you love them. Make art. Get into trouble, for f**k’s sake, hurt yourself, make someone happy, get laid. Quit your job, or destroy your job – whichever one it is you want to do, it starts with you rolling out of bed right now. And brush your teeth, god damn it, your breath smells like ass.

WAKE. UP. Now. Get the f**k out of bed. This is life. You’re not gonna make it out of here alive, you’re running out of time this very second, and you want to hit snooze? Did nobody tell you that you’re capable of great things? Do you need someone to tell you that s**t? Here, if you’re gonna be a god damned fool, let me say it for you: I believe in you. I think you can do it. I think you’re the baddest, most batshit crazy and capable-of-anything motherfucker there ever was.

Now get the f**k out of bed and get something done.

However, the effectiveness of Sam Jackson yelling in your ear to get your lazy ass out of bed has yet to be proven.