To raise money for the Alzheimer’s Association, Samuel L. Jackson promised to read the most upvoted monologue posted to Reddit. With $131,000 raised and counting, he delivered. And here’s the baddest muthafukka on the planet reading the winning monologue.
Hi, I’m Samuel L. Jackson. I’m sorry to disappoint you, Reddit, but I’ve decided to break the rules of my own competition, and I will not be reading a user-submitted entry as my monologue. Instead, I’d like to speak to you all from my own heart, in my own words; honestly and openly. I’ve been waiting to reveal something for a long, long, time and… well, here it is: I am quitting acting and pursuing a life of vigilantism. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Sam Jack, you are one bad motherfucker when it comes to the fine art of thespianism.” And you know what? You’re right. But it’s time for me to step out of the limelight… and step into the shadows.
I have been given the gift of an incredibly intimidating voice, and I intend to use it to strike fear into the scum that plague our good streets. Listen to this: “Hey! You! Motherfucker! Stop doing all that crime!” You see? Who wouldn’t stop after that? How about this one: “Yo! Knock that motherfucking crime-doing off!” And of course there’s: “Excuse me, young hoodlum? Look at me! I’m Samuel L. Jackson, bitch. You really think you’re going to get away with this?”My new life of crime-fighting won’t be easy, my friends, but I suppose nothing worth doing really ever is. My hope is to leave this very dark world just a little brighter than when I found it before my time is through. I hope to save a life. I hope to maybe change one. I hope to make some crime-doing motherfuckers s**t themselves in terror upon hearing my scary-ass voice reprimanding them as I charge them in a rage. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.
Time for every single cop to retire because they’re now out of a job.