jennifer-lopez-viva-movil

According to reports, Jennifer Lopez’s stalker, 49-year-old John Dubis, managed to live in the pool house of her Hamptons mansion this summer without arousing any suspicion for six days.

He managed to do it all in plain site too. He slept on a couch and even parked his car front of her place. He then even posted vacation photos of her property on the internet along with creepy captions.

“Some more david and jenny art, Newport, RI,” he inexplicably wrote about the Hamptons home, while using the online pseudonym “David A Lopez.”

It wasn’t all creepy though. He did tidy up the place including a path in the back that was full of debris. C’mon, you expect a stalker to live in that pig sty? His stay was short lived though.

Finally, on Aug. 8, a Lopez employee spotted him standing on the singer’s back porch and confronted him. The accused stalker tried to claim he was the divorced singer’s husband.

When cops arrived, Dubis told officers that he was the father of J.Lo’s children, and that J.Lo had left the pool house open for him.

Uh, I’m pretty sure her employee knows what Marc Anthony looks like so that was a terrible lie. He should have said he was her personal stylist. But the dude’s crazy anyway so that would have worked for about 5 seconds until h admitted to masturbating in her yard.

He also allegedly admitted to pleasuring himself in the star’s yard because he thought that she wanted him to “spread his seed throughout the world,” sources said.

Well, okay then. Can someone explain to him that that’s a totally different kind of seed? The kind that can’t be planted in the ground? You can’t grow a god damn sperm tree, sir. Believe me. I’ve tried.

Asked if they noticed this guy walking around the back and jacking off in her yard, neighbors said they just thought he was an employee.

“Oh, my, come to think of it, I did find it odd when I saw a man standing outside her driveway with the gate closed,” said neighbor Nancy Haverman. “I figured he was just part of her security crew.

“It’s really frightening — you don’t want to be a celebrity. I’m telling you, it’s a curse. I just hope [J.Lo] gets to enjoy this place just like everybody else.”

Oh, yea, what a curse. Enough money to buy a secondary mansion in the Hamptoms. Yea, you get a couple crazy guys jerking off in your yard trying to plant sperm trees every once in a while but totally worth it.

Mark Young, a spokesman for J.Lo said he hasn’t heard about this but that Jennifer is now vacationing in the Hamptoms. Probably paying close attention to the ground to avoid the puddles of jizz.

Site news: Updates may be less today because I’m in Miami where I’m planning to stalk all the celebrities at Miami Beach. Haha, just kidding. I’ll just be looking at them through a long lens like everyone else. Human interaction scares me.