Justin Bieber Retires Then Unretires

Remember when I said I’d update if Justin Bieber got punched in the face? Well, this started out as a proverbial punch in the face but later turned out to be like Justin Bieber moved his head a little and someone else was proverbially punched. In the nuts.

Late Tuesday night, Justin Bieber gave everyone an early Christmas present by announcing his retirement. He tweeted, “My beloved beliebers I’m officially retiring.”

But as the good book says, the douchebag gave and the douchebag hath taken away. Minutes later, he tweeted, “The media talks a lot about me. They make up a lot of lies and want me to fail but I’m never leaving you, being a belieber is a lifestyle.” Adding, “Be kind loving to each other, forgive each other as god forgave us through Christ Merry Christmas IM HERE FOREVER.”

What kind of joke is this, Santa Claus? Is this the new coal in my stocking? St. Nick, you’re such an asshole.