Early Monday morning at around 4:00 am, Tito Ortiz lost control of his 2012 Porsche Panamera and crashed into the concrete center median on the 405N. Ortiz and the two passengers in the car were not injured and the car was moderately damaged.
Ortiz was taken in on suspicion of DUI. Said the CHP, “He was transported to LAPD-77th Division for medical clearance and chemical testing and was booked without incident.”
This seems slightly out of character for him. According to a Reddit AMA by a taxi driver a few days ago, Tito isn’t averse to taking a cab. In fact, it sounds like he prefers it. That way he can bang a chick for an entire hour. It’s the first time in Tito’s career he’s ever impressed me. Just read this.
The first two questions everybody always asks are if I’ve ever driven any celebrities and if anyone ever had sex in the backseat. The answer to both questions is yes so I’ll start with a story that encompasses both.
I don’t really follow MMA fighting but even I recognized Tito Ortiz when he got in my cab. Mostly because I knew he lived in Huntington Beach and he had a rep among the cabbies as being a really good tipper. He got in with a totally gorgeous blonde in a skimpy white dress and giant fake tits. They were going to a hotel in Hollywood. A cab ride from HB to Hollywood is an incredible fare, it’s about an hour and a half in traffic and meters over a hundred bucks. The money alone was enough to make me excited about the fare. Then before I even got on the freeway they started fucking.
Being a cab driver is a weird job because you are surrounded by people all day but you are completely alone. Nobody, not even the nice fares, treat you like a human being. At worst you get treated like a servant, at best just ignored. It always amazed me how many people felt no shame having the most intimate personal conversations or doing the most intimate things in the backseat. You know that scene in Taxi Driver where he says every night you gotta clean the cum off the backseat and sometimes the blood? Totally accurate, even in Orange County. Sometimes people asked if it was ok to have sex, sometimes they just did it, sometimes I charged them extra, sometimes I didn’t bother. Tito Ortiz was nice and polite when he got in and told me the destination, but he didn’t ask if he could f**k. Either he knew he didn’t have to, or he just didn’t want to waste any more time talking.
They started making out right away, the fake-titted blonde’s dress came off in less than a mile, and then Tito started going to work as I drove north on Beach Blvd. Fake titty blondes aren’t even my type but this woman was beautiful and I imagine I would have busted in about 5 seconds if I had been the one in the backseat. But by the time we got on the 405 he was still going. Then the 605 and he was still going. Then we got on the 5 and he was STILL fucking. I’d never seen stamina like this before.
The 5, then the 101, then we got off on Sunset and they NEVER stopped. We started getting closer to the hotel and I thought they were going to f**k right up to the valet stand. About a block away and after 90 minutes straight of fucking, I finally told them we were almost there. He didn’t even finish, he just pulled out and they put their clothes back on. I pulled up front and he said “thanks” and handed me 300 bucks and got out.
I didn’t even have to clean up any cum out of the backseat. Tito Ortiz is awesome.
Tito is going to get the sweetest eulogy at his funeral. “Tito Ortiz was a stand-up guy. I didn’t even have to clean his cum out of my backseat.” In fact, he should put that on his gravestone.