What The Richest DJs Make And The Girls That Have Sex With Them

Alternative title to this post: DJs party, get paid and have dirty sex with hot women, while your life sucks and you eat Cheetos in your underwear. That title was a bit long though. In any case, EDC 2014 is upon us and as you venture into the desert, arm yourself with the knowledge of who makes what every year and who sexes who.

The key to money and models comes in a little, plastic case. *Holds up a USB drive* Find a way to get amazing beats in there and you will unlock every door in life with it. These DJs did it, will you be next?

Calvin Harris

Rakes in: $46 million/year

Dates: Rita Ora, or at least used to.

Fun fact: Justin Bieber broke up Ora and Harris recently. Ora and the Biebs hit up a recording studio together and may have made more than a song. For a putz, Bieber pulls in a fair amount of hotties.

Tiesto

Rakes in: $32 million

Dates: Anyone he wants. Check out his Instagram. Or go here. Then ask yourself: would I ever want to date just one person if I was Tiesto? F**k. No.

Fun fact: Dude’s Instagram beats Dan Bilzerian’s life by a mile. And Bilzerian balls hard. Chicks, liquor, money. Welcome to Tiesto’s life. He gets $200k a night to ‘spin’ his records. Damn, screw this college degree. *Throws degree on ground*

David Guetta

Rakes in: $30 million

Dates: Well, he was married to Cathy Guetta. They just got divorced. That just means more groupies for Guetta. Like this mystery model.

Fun fact: Supposedly, Guetta uses a ghost producer. You mean they press play AND don’t write their music? It just gets better and better.

Swedish House Mafia

Rakes in: $25 million

Dates: They date their wives, that’s who they date. They go on those fun married couple dates. Axwell married Gloria Golnar. Steve Angello married Isabel Adrian. Sebastian Ingrosso married Kee Ingrosso. Guess they all partied enough and wanted to ‘settle’ down. Whatevs.

Fun fact: Angello’s one of Wynn’s resident DJs and his wife is a hot model AND blogger. Seriously, one of Swedish House Mafia’s wives blogs. Hope does exist for us keyboard monkeys. While they’ve disbanded, Axwell and Ingrosso have teamed up again.

Deadmau5

Rakes in: $21 million

Dates: This girl. Oh, her name? Probaby Kelly. Obviously Kelly.

Fun fact: He used to date Kat Von D and proposed to her over Twitter. They broke up and cheating may have caused the breakup. Hey, I’m sure Kelly’s making him forget all about Kat Von D.

Avicii

Rakes in: $20 million

Dates: Racquel Natasha, who sounds like a real winner, i.e. gold digger. She runs a blog and you can check out her Instagram.

Fun fact: Read this and make up your own mind. Hey, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do to fly on Avicii’s private jet. *Makes blowjob motion with hand and mouth*

Afrojack

Rakes in: $18 million

Dates: Maybe Maria Tailor? Her Twitter bio says model, actress, singer, but really, what girl in entertainment doesn’t think she does all that?

Fun fact: Afrojack let her borrow his Ferrari so it must be true.

She better get used to him having sex with his shirt on. Afrojack supposedly has really bad belly fat and won’t let girls touch him. He’s so fat the shirt absorbs all his sweat. Maria don’t care. Whenever Afrojack sweats, she smells 18 million dollars and a Ferrari.

Afro-hack also left his pregnant girlfriend, Amanda Balk, a couple of years ago to date Paris Hilton. What, you want those super STDs, Afrojack? You know there’s no cure. Between the shirt-on sex, Paris Hilton and leaving a pregnant girlfriend, Afrojack sounds like the biggest douche of a DJ out there.

He also had beef with Deadmau5. Basically, Deadmau5 thinks Afrojack’s a hack, tweeting him “So you know how to use 4 CD players eh? Rad. But if you REALLY want to impress me, try setting the clock on my microwave to the right time.” Ohhh, burn!!

Yea, and the dude might swing both ways. If you know what we mean. Bisexual. He likes the old stick and berries. Allegedly.

Armin van Buuren

Rakes in: $17 million

Dates: His wife, Erika van Thiel.

Fun fact: Both were together for 10 years before tying the knot in 2009. Is that the fun fact? What about this, they have 2 kids. No? Ok, well van Buuren has as law degree in tax and copyright. He wanted to become a doctor like his father, but since the Netherlands requires a lottery to medical school, they drew a number that was too high and he didn’t make the cut.

Skrillex

Rakes in: $16 million

Dates: Charmaine Olivia.

Fun fact: She draws and paints. Looks like Skrillex née Sonny Moore likes creative types because he previously dated Ellie Goulding. You know, lights, lights, that song. They couldn’t manage the long distance between both of them and called it a day. Wub wub wub..awww.

Kaskade

Rakes in: $16 million

Dates: Naomi Raddon, or used to date. They married.

Fun fact: Kaskade enrolled at Brigham Young University to meet other Mormons. Oh right, Kaskade is Mormon by the way. They met each other at 21 and since then, it’s on! Mormon-style.

Steve Aoki

Rakes in: $14 million

Dates: His fiancé, Australian model Tiernan Cowling.

Fun fact: She doesn’t mind showing off her breastesses. That’s all we got. She has Instagram, amuse yourself with photos there.

DJ Pauly D

Rakes in: $13 million

Dates: No one now, but he’ll always have eyes for Angel Splendorio, who he calls his only serious girlfriend ever.

Fun fact: He has a baby girl from a one night stand in Vegas. He hooked up with Amanda Markert, a former Hooters girl and VIP Hostess at Harrah’s Casino. Hey, she’s moving up in the world. No, the real fun fact here is that this dood pulls in $13 mil a year for DJing. I cannot. Even believe that. No. Just. No.

Diplo

Rakes in: $13 million

Datess: Kathryn Lockhart, an ex-bartender.

Fun fact: Lockhart is a half-Asian, half-black woman who lives with Diplo in Los Feliz. She got “pregnant by accident” and now they have a three-and-a-half year old son. Diplo also owes me $12 for a mix cd he never sent me. He gets mega bucks for work with billion-dollar companies like Blackberry and Beyonce. Yea, Beyonce’s a company now.

And there you have the richest DJs and their better halves. Doesn’t it make you feel good about slaving away at your 9 to 5 job? I bet it does. Now go throw your hands up in the air at EDC and make these DJs more money. Seacrest out!