Adrian Peterson Suspended Indefinitely for Beating Kids

Adrian Peterson was indicted last week for beating his 4-year-old son so hard with a switch that it left marks on his balls. The kid says he even stuffed his mouth with leaves while he was hitting him. Presumably so he wouldn’t have to hear him scream like a bitch.

The Vikings eventually reinstated him but have now suspended him indefinitely. No doubt because Anheuser-Busch sent out a thinly veiled threat that they’d pull their advertising on Tuesday.

“We are disappointed and increasingly concerned by the recent incidents that have overshadowed this NFL season,” Anheuser-Busch wrote in its statement. “We are not yet satisfied with the league’s handling of behaviors that so clearly go against our own company culture and moral code. We have shared our concerns and expectations with the league.”

Much like Ray Rice, Peterson has turned to god because god probably has him on his fantasy team.

Adrian Peterson was chosen by god to do great things like being paid millions to run around a field with a bunch of other guys throwing around a ball. He is the vessel with which god will win his fantasy league.