How Outkast Saved Cara Delevingne from Suicide

Cara Delevingne opens up her 22-year old soul in this month’s issue of Vogue. The issue hits your supermarket aisles on June 23rd and you’ll get so much information about Delevingne. Is it helpful info? Will you ever need to break it out at a dinner party? Ha…just guess.

First off, Delevingne doesn’t consider herself a model. She’s a thespian (a lesbian thespian which she talks about later).

“The thrill of acting is making a character real. Modeling is the opposite of real. It’s being fake in front of the camera.”

What about her diet? So glad you asked. Even at 20, Mickey D’s and booze started showing up on her body, so she had to cut it out.

“I’m not allowed to drink. I’m not allowed good food,” she says. “After turning 20 and eating McDonald’s all the time and drinking too much, it started to show on my stomach and on my face. But I’m playing a homicidal witch, so I need to look ripped.”

Vogue pretty gives her one huge handjob throughout the article. It’s like she shits out gold.

Far from a rare orchid that wilts in the breath of more noxious air, Cara, simmering with life on the runway, boils over with life off it. She has been called the next Kate Moss, but the similarities begin and end at their shortish stature (for their profession, that is: both are five-eight), English background, and penchant for late nights.

Rare orchid you say. Huh, here we thought she was just a model.

Is she retarded? Do you mean in the clinical sense? Then no.

She suffered from dyspraxia, a problem with coordinating her thoughts and movements.

Hard to be a model if you can’t coordinate movements and thoughts. “Right foot, left foot, right left foot, pout. Right foot, left foot…”

Delevingne also went through depression as a kid. Oh wow, you mean like EVERY OTHER TEENAGER IN THE WORLD??

But at fifteen, she fell into an emotional morass. “This is something I haven’t been open about, but it’s a huge part of who I am,” she says. “All of a sudden I was hit with a massive wave of depression and anxiety and self-hatred, where the feelings were so painful that I would slam my head against a tree to try to knock myself out. I never cut, but I’d scratch myself to the point of bleeding. I just wanted to dematerialize and have someone sweep me away.”

She also indirectly offers tips to straight guys looking to get girls.

“The first time I walked into Burberry,” she recalls, “the woman just said, ‘Turn around, go away.’ And all the test shoots with the pervy men. Never trust a straight photographer at a test shoot.”

So that whole photographer shooting hot girls thing, yea, there’s truth to it. Now, where’s my camera…

Outkast saved her life.

At a low point, alone in a New York apartment, she came close to attempting suicide. “Full-on bubble. I was packing my bags, and suddenly I just wanted to end it. I had a way, and it was right there in front of me. And I was like, I need to decide whether I love myself as much as I love the idea of death.” And then a song started playing on her laptop, Outkast’s “SpottieOttieDopaliscious,” which had been played at the funeral of a friend who had recently died of a heroin overdose. “It felt like a warning from him. And it made me so furious with myself.”

This song saved her life. Umm…ok.

She’s also into girls. For now.

Cara says she felt confused by her sexuality as a child, and the possibility of being gay frightened her. “It took me a long time to accept the idea, until I first fell in love with a girl at 20 and recognized that I had to accept it,” she explains. “But I have erotic dreams only about men. I had one two nights ago where I went up to a guy in the back of a VW minivan, with a bunch of his friends around him, and pretty much jumped him.”

What we’ve learned is that models think they’re more important than they really are.