Happy Hand Job Day! Japan’s Version of a Hallmark Holiday

In Japan, Hallmark holidays are way less cute than Sweetest Day. Tuesday is Hand Job Day. This is not a joke.

Why is there a day to celebrate a sexual act worse when someone else performs it for you and reserved mainly for young teenagers? Because the Tenga company is using it as a marketing platform and everything in Japan is about business. Not shockingly, Tenga is a Japanese a sex toy company that features Tengaman, a Power Rangers-style “masturbation” mascot “hero.” Yes, everything in Japan does have a mascot.

(Guess what this adorable bear is a mascot for? Did you guess bullet train? I mean, duh.)

Not only is the holiday itself absolutely ridiculous, has a mascot, and is totally business-oriented, it additionally has a video trailer. Way to make Hallmark look bad, Japan. Meet the Red Rocket Ranger, Tengaman.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=dTJye95p4hE

If I had to give a description of the video: ah, the modern day production standard of Power Rangers. Wait, no Tenga, the hand job is not becoming trendy. Why the f**k are skeleton bones fighting to stop a boner? Am I missing something? What did that guy put on his penis!? Is it eating him?

Thank goodness this trailer of confusion is only a piece of a longer clip that will be released Tuesday for Hand Job Day! There’s more to celebrate and watch! Also, that thing that man put on his penis? The “Original Vacuum CUP” that delivers “the ultimate suction experience” which I would like to point out is not a hand job Tengaman. If we’re gonna have Hand Job day, I expect it to be authentic.