Salma Hayek — Good Genes or the Blood of Unborn Babies?

There’s something wrong with Salma Hayek. She’s almost too good looking and almost too perfect. And she’s not aging. She knows a secret we don’t know and it’s gonna kill us. The only way we survive is by sending someone to sleep with her and steal her secrets. Why do we need to sleep with her? Well, we don’t, but hey, since we’re there…

These are shots from her August 2015 Allure magazine cover. But really, they’re now shots from my August 2015 jerk off folder.

In her interview with the magazine, she cops to being desperate. Well, there you go. Hot women still can feel desperate. There’s a chance for you schmucks out there after all.

“I wish I knew [when I was younger] that I was going to fall crazy in love with the perfect man,” she says. “I was so worried, and I dated some people I shouldn’t have dated. You get desperate, and you start seeing wonderful things in, like, the wrong guys. I also found some pretty good guys. But I wish I could say to myself, ‘Hey, chill out. You’re going to get a great husband that’s going to adore you.’ I would have saved myself a lot of personal drama.”

The secret is to get hot women when they’re weakest. Oh what, no? Nevermind.

She also wanted to stay at home after the birth of her daughter. Her husband, François Pinault, wasn’t having that.

“I said, ‘I don’t think I want to work anymore,'” she says. “And it was François who said, ‘Oh, no, you’re going back to work.’ And I said, ‘I don’t want to.’ ‘Well, you have to. We’re not putting up with some lazy girl in the house. That’s not who I married.’

Putting the girl to work. The pimp hand is strong.

And then he said something so beautiful,” she goes on. “‘I don’t want to be deprived of your work. I want to watch it, too. And the world has not seen the best of you yet. So you cannot stop until some of that is put out.’

Translation: I want to see your tits onscreen and get turned on when others watch. Perv.