Beyonce and Jay Z May Divorce, Marriage ‘Blowing Up’

Some guy at National Enquirer is pretty sure Beyonce and Jay Z are maybe getting a divorce.

Beyonce and Jay-Z’s wedding rings are off – and pals believe the two are headed straight for divorce court!

“Jay and Bey’s marriage is blowing up. They’re living separate lives,” said an insider. “They haven’t made an official announcement because Bey isn’t ready. But taking off their wedding rings is the first step in untangling their lives!”

I just imagine that news is coming through a person, likely on cocaine, screaming at me. So much exclamation. Also, first step? You’re right, cheating, fistfights in elevators, or generally just stopping spending time together totally never cause a marriage to end.

Also, who really thinks the two will get divorced at this point? They are business partners, probably first and foremost. They are a goddamned brand. Can you even imagine the kingdom of products Bey and Jay have put together even happening without the support of the other person?

Taking it a step down from their business, they’ve got their (also branded) daughter whom they both seemingly adore. Another coked out thought from the National Enquirer:

Beyonce thought giving Blue Ivy a sibling might solve their problems, added a source. “But since Bey hasn’t conceived, she’s taking it as a sign that she should leave Jay once and for all.”

That’s right Beyonce, conceiving is a one-sided job and the only reason you exist; it would have solved everything. Having another baby during turmoil always solves everything! Now go hang your head in shame.

Speaking of little IV, I always assumed Bey’s ring finger tattoo was about her, National Enquirer teaches me differently. It may be another sign of impending divorce.

Beyonce is reportedly having the “IV” tattoo on her ring finger – which marked the couple’s April 4, 2008 wedding – removed after Solange attacked Jay-Z in a hotel elevator in May 2014.

Continuing:

Said a source: “Beyonce is trying to choreograph the split to paint herself as a victim of Jay’s philandering ways. She’s been meeting with lawyers and figuring out a custody arrangement that will cause the least damage to Blue Ivy.”

But does she really have to paint herself the victim? I mean, getting beat up by your sister-in-law is not great, but also does not really show you as the culprit in a situation. It kind of just pushes the blame back to the actual culprit by asking, “Wait, why was she beating you up in the first place?” Ohhh, cheating. Just a little cheating. And a possible love child. No bigs. No bigs.

And really, let’s be serious. It really is no bigs because they’d have to be crazy to ruin the copious money they have raking in as a brand. So yup, maybe they are just not wearing wedding rings out of anger and they’ll have an empty marriage without ring finger tattoos. Or not. National Enquirer thinks there might be a divorce and when have they ever been misleading.