Wife Surprisingly Doesn’t Like Husband’s Thigh Penis Tattoo

When you buy your husband a tattoo gun, the chances of him drunkenly tattooing something stupid on his body run high: nearly 100% high – like, it’s going to happen. So when he asks for a tattoo gun as a Christmas present, think twice about it unless you want to see a 6.5-inch phallus permanently drawn on his upper thigh.

The wife of Stuart Valentino did not think ahead enough to realize this was the situation she put herself in. To her later dismay, drunken Stuart decided wowing his wife with the optical illusion of two penises was possibly the best idea ever when he whipped out his thoughtful Christmas gift and tattooed the shaky outline of a high schooler’s drawing of a dick.

The next morning Valentino awoke to his wife’s pleasant screaming. He describes it best. From Daily Mail UK:

“…After I did it, my wife woke up in the morning screaming, because there was this massive penis poking out of the duvet. And the tattoo on my leg.”

Good thing he’s got humor since the tattoo became a constant arguing point.

“I had no idea that a joke could ruin my life.”

“I’m devastated I’ve lost my family, and frustrated with myself. I can’t blame anyone else.”

“I have a constant reminder poking out of my shorts every day of how stupid I’ve been.”

Valentino has spent £1,000 on its removal, but as we all know, a removed tattoo will just become a softer, scar-ier, penis living pleasantly and forever next to his real penis. Valentino may be upset now, but he’s going to be a hit in the old folks home.

Next time, may I suggest consulting my friend for drunken tattoo ideas? This awesome lady has a Dorito on a surfboard/skateboard with accompanying text “nacho daddy.” The moment I saw that, I realized there is such a thing as a fantastic drunken tattoo. I’m sure she’d be into consulting for a nominal fee. Also, here’s a freebie: do a banana cover up that says “I don’t lack appeal.” Or you could go Arrested Development-themed; no one could be mad at a Bluth Banana tattoo. I’m a genius, I know. You’re welcome.