Here’s a List of Shady Things Done by Charlie Sheen

Here’s a listicle on the mischief and mishaps of Charlie Sheen since about 2009. National Enquirer reporter and past-confidante of the actor, Dylan Howard, who broke the story of Sheen’s HIV status earlier this year, published an essay for the Hollywood Reporter detailing the most startling secrets he learned during his time with the actor. These are the notes on that. Hold onto your hats, but let me tell you first… it’s nothing you wouldn’t expect.

Remember when Sheen was arrested in Aspen in 2009 for being a dick to his then-wife, Brooke Mueller, and it all just kind of seemed like Sheen was living up to his Ferris Bueller’s Day Off character? Well, Howard says we missed some of the juiciest details on that. From Us Weekly:

According to Howard, Mueller had been secretly photographing and videotaping what he describes as Sheen’s “crack-fueled encounters.” The reason Sheen exploded, Howard claims: Mueller told him about the tapes and allegedly threatened to publicly release them unless he tore up their prenuptial agreement and paid her $55,000 a month in child support.

Charlie Sheen has an obsessive personality, once focused on passing drug tests. I kind of get this one. Sheen was in the news a whole lot before 2011 and 2013 when we were all convinced he was losing his mind and would probably die before the clock struck midnight on the first moment of 2014. Well that didn’t happen, but with Sheen’s alleged drug dependency spiraling out of control all over the tabloids, he felt like he had something to prove. All drug tests issued after his 2011 hotel trashing incident came back negative. He later went on 20|20 to say:

I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it once, you will die.

Howard raises questions about whether he used a synthetic urine device or had blood transfusions to cheat on these tests.

Charlie Sheen really doesn’t have any issues with convicted child sex offenders. According to Howard, Sheen had hired a friend, who also happened to be a convicted sex offender, to work with him on one of his sets. The production company found out and tried to fire him. Sheen nobly threatened to walk if the friend wasn’t allowed to stay; the studio refused to pay him so Sheen paid him out of his own pocket. This one sounds scandalous, but it’s a cheap shot. Unless there were children on set, what is the harm of helping out a friend make some kind of living?

Being the A-list celebrity that he is and the value of his name in the media, Sheen is super paranoid about what his sexual partners could leak and so he makes them sign legal documents. I make a living off writing and tweeting about my sexcapades, I leave everyone nameless, of course, but this is in no way a two-way street. If I had the authority to force the people who sleep with me to sign a legal document that means they could never utter my name again, I’d fucking do it.

One of the penalties for breaking the nondisclosure agreement: loss of any money gained from breaking the agreement.

It’s paranoid as f**k, but as us paranoid folk like to say… it’s not paranoid if it’s bound to happen. He’s just covering his own ass.

Finally and probably the most damning, Howard claims that Sheen paid a whole bunch of money to keep the people who know about his HIV status from talking. It seems kind of fucked up when you think about it. But that’s shallow, if you really fucking think about it, you know that Charlie Sheen has a form of HIV that is undetectable and doesn’t spread. Should he have informed his partners of the slight risk? Probably. But because he is a public figure, a lot of his privacy rights are sacrificed. His medical records aren’t just medical records, in a lot of cases they might be a ticket for someone to eat for the rest of their lives. According to Howard, he awarded women who knew about his condition with American Express cards up to $15,000 to keep it quiet. Shady, but how wrong?

Howard claims he used to be very close to Sheen before he went public with his information, then Sheen turned on him with an onslaught of threats. Is Charlie Sheen perfect? No. Is he likable? No. But the essay reads so much more like a butt-hurt friend who’s been burned than it reads like an intellectual piece with concern for others.