This Study Might Make You Feel Better About How Fast You Cum

I think everyone should have as much sex as possible. Sex is great. I think most of us in the common era have gotten a hold of our American sexual education traumas and have come to understand that sex is great. But what’s not great is overstaying your welcome. What’s not great is having to take time out of your day to schedule sex. Sex should happen in the deep dark caverns of unoccupied time. Your morning meeting got done earlier than expected, you don’t have to pick up your whiny niece for at least 45 minutes and in a perfect storm of events, you ran into that one hotty from your hometown that you never got to bang. You’re weighing it out and your vagina wins out, wyd? you text, I got a couple minutes to spare.

We’re brought up where movies dance around the idea of sex with short snippets of passion-fueled stripping through apartments accompanied by I didn’t get any sleep last night because of you gabs that make us think sex is supposed to be this big, long, drawn out process that is somehow inadequate if you’re not losing sleep. And when we’re not skating around the idea of sexual visuals, we’re watching porn which still skates around the idea of sexual realities. Women who cum the second a man looks their way, who moan as soon as a man touches her, who writhe at the sheer thought of a man. Men who seem to be insatiable animals who quite frankly seem to want to penetrate women until everything is just pain and chafe marks. So we’re left with these ridiculous expectations of how sex should, could and would work out. Only to find out, it doesn’t.

But because we’re curious of what happens off camera, you know, between actual human beings, psychologist Dr. Brendan Zietsch got to the bottom of how long it really takes for the average man to cum. Per his study:

The research involved 500 couples from the Netherlands, United Kingdom, Spain, Turkey and the United States that had a stable heterosexual relationship for at least 6 months and timed themselves having sex over a four-week period using a stopwatch.

The results are in, and quite frankly, if you’ve had sex with your fair share of partners, you’ve conducted your own study in your head already:

The times were wide-ranging from a disappointing 33 seconds by a two-pump chump all the way up to a Sting-like tantric sex marathon of 44 minutes.

Weighted average turned out to be about 5.4 minutes. Ugh. Now when I’m talking I got a few minutes to spare, that’s not enough. Not asking for rushed through steps here, boys… I’m asking for efficiency. We both have to get there, and I have somewhere to be within… 15 minutes. That’s probably better. I like my guy a little drunk with a touch of whiskey dick. Let’s not finish before we’ve gotten started.

[Image: Flickr]