Why Dax Shepard Masturbated in His Car

Honestly, I understand his struggle.

From Page Six:

“Last year, when my wife [Kristen Bell] was working in Atlanta, we were there and she all of a sudden goes, ‘Oh, my gosh! I’m so stupid. I’ve been sick for 10 days and ignoring it. I’m definitely pregnant,’” Shepard told Jimmy Kimmel on Wednesday’s show. “I was like, ‘We’re going to turn into ‘Jon & Kate Plus 8’ or something. We already have no life! This is going to be not worth living.’”

Children do make life not worth living. I can confirm. The pregnancy test was negative, but Dax opted to get a quick vasectomy anyway, because f**k that s**t.

Someone who wasn’t quite over the moon about the procedure? Bell, 35. “I had a vasectomy, and Kristen was not thrilled that I did it so quickly, but I’m a man of action. I was in and out. I was back in Atlanta two days after that, shooting a Samsung commercial.”

However, his post vasectomy check up did not go so smoothly.

“So, I’m in this meeting … and the meeting’s going on and on and it’s all the presidents of Warner Bros. I can’t get out of this meeting and the clock is ticking. All of a sudden, I’m out of the meeting,” he said. “I have 15 minutes to get from Burbank to Beverly Hills and procure my sample … I had to drive cross-town, rush hour — thank God there was heavy traffic on Laurel Canyon, so it slowed down enough that I could … I literally masturbated on Laurel Canyon in heavy traffic.

It’s one thing to loosey-goosey just go for it, but I have a jar and it’s heavy traffic. It’s very curvy. For those of you have not been on Laurel Canyon, it’s one of the twistier roads in America. It’s hard enough to get through that road while not making love to yourself, into a container.”

Good news for Dax Shepard, at least, is that he’s sterile.