Mom Chugs Jizz to Stay Young

Are you tired of vegan, hemp, and whey proteins? Well, try the most natural protein of all. Jizz!

Tracy Kiss, a single mother and trainer, has shared the secret to her morning protein smoothie. With just a little semen, she gets natural proteins and feels it helps ward off flu and gives her energy. I guess porn stars must be the healthiest people in the nation!

Tracy is no stranger to semen. Her semen facials, non-sexual she adds, have been her signature for years. Hopefully she doesn’t go into jewelry and start a pearl necklace line.

Ms. Kiss says she has no involvement in the procuring of man protein. It’s all donated by a friend by the tubful each week. That’s right. Ever week she gets a delivery of a tub full of MAN-aise. I feel sorry for her friend. His jack off schedule must be grueling.

“I’d been feeling run down and had no energy but now I’m full of beans and my mood has improved,” she told Closer Magazine, adding that “it can taste really good—depending on what my friend has been eating.” She happily admits to being a cum guzzler as long as her friend stays away from spicy food and garlic.

Perhaps we’re missing a trick by not embracing this natural miracle cure. We could put jizz in cookies, cakes, and obviously man-milkshakes are in the near future.

But for now, we’ll abstain from non sexual cum facials and semen smoothies. And men, please note, Ms. Kiss does not speak for all women and saying that jizz gives energy and antibodies will not get you any more blow jobs.