‘Sabrina the Teenage Witch’ to Return as a Horror Show That No One Wanted

Here’s something no one wanted: Sabrina the Teenage Witch as a horror show.

Because Hollywood can’t think of any original ideas, their new idea is to take fun and whimsical comedies and turn them dark and dirty. It worked for Riverdale, a dark twist on the Archie comics, but that doesn’t mean I want to see Garfield cheating on lasagna with spaghetti and trying to neuter Odie.

While dark Garfield may never happen (although if some executive is reading this, I demand royalties), dark Sabrina is more or less a go.

The show will be titled The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina and will follow Sabrina as she explores the sinister side of witchcraft. Instead of giving high school enemy acne, she will now perform a spell that makes her pregnant.

Can they just show re-runs of Hocus Pocus instead of making this show? Hocus Pocus was awesome.

Here’s what the CW Network had to say about the show:

“This adaptation finds Sabrina wrestling to reconcile her dual nature, half-witch, half-mortal, while standing against the evil forces that threaten her, her family and the daylight world humans inhabit,”

What evil forces? She’s a witch. According to everything I learned in school, witches were the evil ones and they were burned at the stake. Maybe Salem goes from being a sarcastic and sort of funny cat to a pissed-off cat.

The same people who work on Riverdale will also work on this new Sabrina. If anyone has their number, pitch them my dark Garfield idea. The show has yet to be picked up, but it sounds like something you’d find on CW, the network that airs Riverdale. And if that doesn’t work, YouTube thinks Karate Kid: 30 Years Later is a good idea, so I’m sure they would love this.

No word yet if Melissa Joan Hart will be part of the series. If she has any dignity, she will quickly decline.