Sex Robots are Coming, and Hackers Could Murder You With Them

Sex robots are going to save marriages. They can be programmed to do that thing your college girlfriend did with her tongue that your wife, try as she might, can’t get quite right. So you add Lauren on Facebook and even though she’s married and lives in another state, she’s coming to town to visit family and you promise yourself it’s just one drink but one thing leads to another and now half your paycheck is going to alimony and your kids call your ex-wife’s yoga instructor Blaine “daddy”. All that could have been avoided if you had just bought a sex robot. This is clearly the greatest breakthrough mankind has made since the wheel.

But not so fast, because cybersecurity expert Dr Nick Patterson is here to rain all over your parade. He told Daily Star Online:

“Hackers can hack into a robot or a robotic device and have full control of the connections, arms, legs and other attached tools like in some cases knives or welding devices.

“Often these robots can be upwards of 200 pounds, and very strong. Once a robot is hacked, the hacker has full control and can issue instructions to the robot.

“The last thing you want is for a hacker to have control over one of these robots! Once hacked they could absolutely be used to perform physical actions for an advantageous scenario or to cause damage.”

Yikes. Lauren may have cost you your marriage, but at least she didn’t bite your dick off because you didn’t send $500 worth of bitcoin to some asshole teenager in Azerbaijan.

I guess the real question is why we’re giving our sex robots wi-fi. They don’t need to be watching Netflix when they’re bored, they need to convert into Roomba mode. Maybe a butter churn attachment, I have a feeling that sex robots would be great with a butter churn.