Matt Lauer Will Have to Get His Next Rape Button Installed on a Golf Cart

Guys, Matt Lauer has a sad! Apparently all that sexual harassing he’s been doing for the last twenty years has left him feeling, like, totes bummed. And now he just wants to take his tens of millions of dollars and play golf in the Hamptons.

A pair of reports today from Page Six are sort of at odds with each other, as one says that Lauer is “broken and ashamed” after being fired for sexual harassment while another says that Lauer is enjoying a leisurely retirement in the Hamptons while his wife is apparently having some sort of breakdown. But the real shock is that they found someone to essentially say “Matt Lauer didn’t do anything wrong, that rape button under his desk was just because his office was a bit drafty”.

“He is weak and broken and ashamed by his own admission,” one of his former “Today” show colleagues told People magazine.

“He is my friend,” the unnamed former co-worker added. “He is human, and he is flawed. But is he going to use his power to be a predator on women? Until I see solid evidence of that, I just can’t believe it. We don’t know the details.”

Extra picante take there, anonymous NBC employee. Can you top it? I’ll bet you can.

“All of us are career women, and not one of us would have put up with an environment that’s as distasteful as has been described,” the former colleague said. “There was never anything I was offended by on any level. I wouldn’t have put up with it. Neither would any of us.”

I knew you were good for one more pull quote. As for what Lauer is up to, another source says he’s just going to do what regular working stiffs do, which is play golf in the Hamptons.

A source says, “Matt has no intention in returning to public life . . . He plans to disappear and play golf.” The source added, “He wants to be a regular Joe. To play golf and stay in the Hamptons. He has no intention of mounting a Billy Bush-style comeback campaign. He is going to stick to his one statement and not address the allegations further.”

Yeah, Lauer is just a regular joe like you or I. After a long day of defending his money bin from the Beagle Boys, he likes to unwind with a pre-war Château Latour, you know, as you do. He’s just a regular guy.

Of course, NBC paid Lauer $20 million a year to host Today, so I’m sure his absence has really hurt the network, right?

Back at “Today,” ratings without Lauer are through the roof. Perhaps it’s just car-wreck viewing, but the show was No. 1 over ABC’s “Good Morning America” for the five days ending Dec. 1. A source even tells us, “They are not going to actively replace Matt.”

Well, that’s embarrassing. What exactly was NBC they paying Lauer all that money for? Ratings went up when they fired him, so they were basically paying for a $20 million a year anchor who was actually holding them down. S**t, hire me, I’ll drive your viewers away for a fraction of the price, and I won’t rape anyone while I’m there. That’s basically win-win.