Over the weekend, Hayden Panettiere patronized the fanboys at the SciFi Convention in New York City. Ever the trooper — the stormtrooper? — , she gamely listened to spirited discussions on Jar Jar Binks and the mythology of Star Wars. Here, she pretends to be happy and poses with two people with too much time on their hands. Thrilled to finally touch a woman, their Stormtrooper outfits hid the biggest erections ever. - CS
Looks like Melissa Joan Hart, our little teenage witch, is pregnant again. Here she is waddling down the sidewalk, desperately needing her morning cup of coffee. Look! It has opposable thumbs! It can hold things! What we don’t see is the giant net, right outside the frame. The one that’s about to come down over her and take her back to the ocean. Isn’t whale migration supposed to take place in the summertime? - CS
Where’s the countdown clock for this girl? According to Google, Miley Cyrus’ birthday is on November 23rd and she’s going to be 15. I find that hard to believe. She looks to be at least 20 in these pictures. Someone’s trying to pull a Danny Almonte on us. No doubt, she’s pretty. But Miley, get those bottom teeth fixed. It’s like God threw a bunch of Chiclets in your mouth. Literally. Just threw them right in there. He took his time with the rest of you, then got to your teeth and thought, “I am a fair God, yes? Well, then, the rest of your teeth shall be jacked. And so it shall be done.” - CS
Here, Rihanna the S&M automaton cuts one on stage at her concert. Proudly, she told the fans her next number one single literally just dropped. - Captain Swarthy
Reunited and it feels so good. Ashlee Simpson was recently introduced to her long-lost older sister, Mildred Simpson. She was found dancing in a traveling vaudeville show in the deep, deep dirty South. Father Joe now has plans to mention her breasts a hundred times in interviews and produce her own reality show on the Oxygen network.
Dressed in Versace, Mildred was brought to New York City for the CosmoGirl! Born to Lead Awards. Ashley gamely posed with her, but complained that she smelled like menthol. When asked if she had ever seen the Newlyweds on tv, Mildred replied, “TV?” - CS
I present to you my solution to world hunger. Christina Aguilera. Specifically. Christina Aguilera’s lactating breasts. She could feed Ethiopia with those sweater puppies. WHO would write about her in journals like she was Jesus Christ. “And the streets were bathed in milk. Not one family would go hungry again.” You know those Girls Gone Wild commercials where women rub themselves and try to act sexy while their thin white t-shirts are being doused with water? I imagine that’s what her baby will be doing with her breast milk.
